Comfort
by shiningjess
Summary: Kanda barely knew what happened to Allen, all he remembered was Allen pushing his plates of food away – dango to be exact, standing up from this seat in the cafeteria and walking out swiftly. The next thing he knew, he was in front of Beansprout's door.


Disclaimer: D-Gray Man does not belong to me. (If not Kanda would be mine by now)

Author's Notes: I was bored. I wanted to write. I didn't know what to write so I randomly started writing on Microsoft Word. I clear and deleted, ideas came and gone and this was the final product. So in other words, I don't really know what I am writing. And well, I haven't wrote for ages as well so I hope it doesn't turn out to be too bad. Reviews please?

--

Allen Walker was scared of heartbreaks. And the only way to not allow his heart broken again was to never love again. True, he cared about his friends passionately but ever since Mana died, his love was always missing something. It was always him who must protect the rest of his friends, and he would and he must. It was never the other way round. Did he not like to be protected? Perhaps. Perhaps it might be more apt to say, he forgot how it felt like to be protected and it was further aggravated by the fact that the acquisition of Crowned Clown pinned everyone's hope on him come whatever.

Everytime he started thinking of that, scenes of his first mission with Kanda began to replay in his mind, the most striking of all was how Kanda blocked the attack of the demon for him. It wasn't the only time that someone had blocked the attack for him but this was the only one that left a warm tickly feeling in his heart. Maybe it was because it was Allen's first mission, or maybe, it was because it was Kanda, the ice, cold, antisocial Japanese exorcist who never called him by his real name.

Bakanda.

--

Yuu Kanda was not a philosopher by nature but he had one philosophy in life and that was: never let emotions get in the way. The heart was the most deadly weapon, it had been used to blunt the sharpest of swords, dull the brightest of minds, break the hardest of metal. Emotions, according to Kanda, was nothing but a useless distraction to his ultimate goals of finding that someone. On top of it all, every emotions came with heartbreak which was never worth the emotions to begin with. Emotions were created for people who had no goal in life and needed emotions to help them pass time. Even if he had something resembling an emotion, he would always make sure he either hid them away or reasoned them away.

He was nice to Komui and General Tiedoll because he needed to be respectful to both as his superiors. He was nice to Lenalee because she was a girl and he didn't want to be condemned by Lavi and Komui for making Lenalee cry. He was nice to Lavi because he always thought of Lavi as well, a good exorcist and good company. And since all his attempts at keeping Lavi away failed, he might as well accommodate Lavi, somewhat. But everyone else he kept at a distance, sometimes even on purpose. He made sure he glared, he made sure he was mean enough, so that none of the rest would even get close. And that, he thought, was the best management.

But he could not never explain why he enjoyed calling Allen Walker Beansprout, why he was silently always glad to be paired with him for missions and why he was, at this very moment, standing in front of Allen Walker's room at this very moment. He tried to convince himself that he did not care much about Beansprout's welfare.

Kanda barely knew what happened to Allen, all he remembered was Allen pushing his plates of food away – dango to be exact, standing up from this seat in the cafeteria and walking out swiftly. The dango, Allen's favourite dango,was left untouched on the table alongside a wideyed Lenalee and Lavi.

Did he leave hastily? Did he knock onto people? Were people looking at him? Everything was a blur for Kanda and it wasn't that he cared about those things anyway. All he was clear was that he was standing right in front of Beansprout's door.

_Caring for someone isn't on your agenda Yuu Kanda_, his inner voice reasoned. But even before his inner voice could finish, he knocked. That was probably the most courteous thing he did for a long while.

"Lenalee and Lavi, I am fine alone. I just didn't feel well," Allen said.

"F***ing open up or I will slice the door open with Mugen," But the courtesy didn't last long.

--

Bakanda.

In the midst of it all, Allen smiled. He didn't know why he smiled, it was something that crept up onto his lips and turned into a U-shaped curve. But for a split second, he wasn't so depressed anymore. He never did expect Kanda to show up, but somewhere he was glad that Kanda did. Even glad was not the word to use. Comfort might suit the occasion better. In the midst of the turmoil that was spinning within himself, the thought of Kanda standing one door away calmed some of his storms. What an irony really, because the said man on the other side of the door usually never failed to ignite some sort of fury. He never called Allen by his real name. And whatever he said was always laced with sarasm or insult. But Allen felt a certain peace knowing that it was the Japanese. Using his mechanical hand, Allen opened the door. Mugen's wielder closed the door behind himself.

--

"Beansprout, what's your problem," Kanda started. Did Kanda always had a trouble expressing himself in a more civilized manner or was it simply on purpose? Whatever it was, it sounded as though Kanda was accusing of a subordinate of misconduct rather than concern.

"It's Allen," Allen retorted but somehow liking the feeling of it. At least Kanda was the only one who treated him normally. Ever since the Dark Order knew that Allen had the 14th Noah's memories implanted in him, he got varying reactions ranging from Chaoji's anti Noah rhetoric to Lenalee's I would always be with you counsel. But one thing in common, no one treated him the same way ever again. It hurt him to see how his "friends" turned his back on him the moment he had a Noah within him and the excessive sympathy from Lenalee, Lavi, Crowley and even Miranda made him feel like a weakling. It was as though because everyone was shunning Allen that they, feeling bad about it, decided to add an extra dose of love (or sympathy might be a better word) to their daily encounters.

Allen didn't like it a bit, not at all.

The incident that sparked that day's walkout was exactly so. Some random finders were casting Allen weird looks while he was eating. By then Allen's appetite was already lost. Thereafter, he overheard someone contemplating whether Allen would end up killing the whole of Dark Order by the time he turned Noah. And that was it. He left the cafeteria.

He had enough.

"A beansprout would always be a beansprout," Kanda said, crossing his arms. How was that supposed to make Allen feel better?

"Bakanda,"

"Beansprout,"

"Bakanda, Bakanda,Bakanda.." Allen repeated and tears started welling in his eyes as he trailed off. The tears were a mixture of various emotions, there was a warmth that was growing inside him as he called the Japanese by his nickname and it was beginning to overwhelm him. He could not name was it was feeling, but the as the warmth spread, the tears started to well. And there was also this part that felt so comforted by the fact that at least something was constant, at least someone was treating him normally, someone actually treated him first as Allen (or Beansprout for that matter) rather than the Noah that was within him.

It was as though the floodgates were threatening to open, it was as though he did not need to maintain the fake smile around anyone anymore, it was as though he could finally, release whatever he was feeling.

And the tears fell.

---

Kanda's exorcist uniform was stained with Allen's tears. It was a reflex, protective reaction, Kanda told himself. Afterall, Beansprout's only fifteen and he needed to cry. He needed that hug as well. But even Kanda himself knew that he wasn't convincing. But he would deal with that later.

Kanda lifted Allen's teary face from his chest such that they looked at each other eye to eye. Kanda looked into Allen's grey orbs and asked, "Are you an exorcist?"

Allen stared into Kanda's eyes, unable to answer. Really, who is Allen Walker now? Noah or Exorcist? Maybe none, maybe both. What happened to the Allen who was so sure of his destiny? What happened to saving the demons from being machines manipulated by the Millennium Earl? But Kanda interrupted his thoughts rudely by repeating his question.

"Answer me, are you an exorcist?"

Allen started recalling the road he took to be where he now, how much he desired to rescue the demons. He remembered why he wanted to be an exorcist in the first place. Mana. Promise. Walk. Allen started to understand. Maybe the Noah might take over him one day, maybe the people around didn't trust him anymore, there are many maybe scenarios. But as of now, when he can still keep the Noah in control, as of now, his innocence still searched for demons day and night, as of now, as the Crowned Clown was with him, as of now,

"Yes, I am still an exorcist,"

"Exorcists kill demons," Kanda said plainly, looking out, staring at nothing, "Even if it's within themselves,"

--

Author's Endnote: YAY. Review? I hope it was okay. I couldn't resist to insert a slight Yullen touch to this. Heh.


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